Is it possible that knowingly or unknowingly, we might be declining success; that we might actually be saying ‘no’ to what we really want. I am not implying that we simply overlook opportunities. We do that too, however, I think we may actually be completely shut to receiving.

Before we dwell into how and why we do this, let me share a few experiences and observations on occurrences over the last few months that is leading me to believe this.

A couple of years ago, I was engaged in coaching a CEO. A few sessions later, the conversations became uncomfortable. Mostly due to certain explorations. We were ‘very’ close to a breakthrough. I believe a session away. He knew it too. We never had the session. He didn’t want it, the session that is, the breakthrough he desperately wanted.

I was in Jaisalmer earlier this year on a holiday. During one of the days there, while driving towards the border with the owner of the hotel I was staying at, we stopped at a village. The village only had women there. About a hundred of them. These women are sex workers. Obviously time and again they give birth to children. Whenever a ‘boy’ child is born – the father always appears…..  Do they enjoy this life? Obviously not. Do they wish for change? I guess everyday. Out of curiosity, me and my friend started chatting with one of these women. We soon learnt the story. We also learnt that they are unhappy, deprived and have no access to education and the outside world. We would soon learn that they will refuse the only help that is probably offered to them for rehabilitation. I couldn’t believe it.

There is a friend of mine who has always wanted to do her Ph.D. She obviously hasn’t been able to do it as a result of ‘money’ problems and a constant dilemma over ‘current job’ versus ‘break in employment’. Also there are very real monetary concerns. A few years ago I offered her a job in my company where she could work with us and we’ll sponsor her Doctorate as well as give her a salary in the interim. In return she could have some commitment with us in terms of number of years post Ph.D. A winner of a deal one might think – apparently not!

I was doing a sales training program in May with a manufacturing company. The program went really well. We identified a few elementary roadblocks that were limiting the salespeople’s performance. A few days after the program I called the head of sales and offered (for no fee) to visit a few customers with their salespeople and sort the error out for them. Just show them another way.  Hard to believe that it never happened!

Around the same time in May this year, a business school from Goa called me for a coaching program for teachers. They had been referred by a client. I have always wanted to work with teachers. Its been a long standing goal. Very strangely, I just realized as am writing this, I never went to meet them. I have been to Goa thrice since May.

We gift books to colleagues on their birthdays in office. We buy these books at random with what looks interesting or something that is recommended by someone. However for two people – I specifically thought of books that would be of great help to them – went to the bookstore and bought it myself. Both these colleagues returned the gift. I wasn’t surprised. Am getting used to this.

I met someone in sales a couple of months ago who was complaining, “I have nothing to do. My target is completed.” Who said you could stop! Would he be unconsciously losing (or denying) sales?

I have seen several people in different companies refusing ‘promotions’ also. Simply because it meant relocation or a different role.  What are the real reasons? I have never understood them.

These cases are not isolations or some exceptions. Look around you will find it everywhere. Look within and you will find it in abundance. People, including you and me, are generally not open to receiving, specially what they really, badly want. Try helping an obese person (who wants to be thin) and you’ll know what I mean.

You may read all this and conclude that you are indeed open to receiving and this isn’t about you. Please examine carefully – we create barriers to prevent us from receiving what we want. These barriers were, no doubt, appropriate at the time they were created, to feel safe, but now they serve to shut out desired experiences.

I’ll give you a few examples on how we do this:

I have seen some people spend considerable time alone as a way to protect them from being hurt by other people. One needs to recognize that this ‘barrier’ that may have helped overcoming something at some point of time, has ceased to serve you now.

If one of your goals is beginning to exercise – I can almost guarantee you refuse every offer from a friend/spouse to come for a walk.

If you have wanted to write a book – you are declining opportunities to even contribute an article.

If you desire to learn how to swim / drive / music instrument / sing / dance… and haven’t yet learnt – now look back – how many places have you been to that had a swimming pool and someone offered to teach but you didn’t step into the pool. Ever came across an advertisement, friend, acquaintance who spoke about a music teacher, a dancing school? Ever ignored it?

If you desire to quit smoking or drinking – have you found yourself looking the other way when someone is narrating their experience on how they quit?

Oftentimes the things and people we want to draw into our lives will elude us because we are blocking them out with our defenses or barriers and we simply do not acknowledge their presence or availability.

There is a very glaring reality. The more you think about it, the more you will come to realize it. The reality is this: In living life we create barriers to protect ourselves – barriers like not jumping into the water because we can’t swim or not getting too close to people or we may get hurt or not sharing our secrets of success else we may lose exclusivity or not seeking help as we may appear vulnerable or exposed. We all create these barriers as at times they are needed. In creating these though we become so mono-focused that we fail to see, and be open to, opportunities on the periphery of our desires.

If you are looking for anything… love or friendship, business or sales success, achieving a material or non-material goal - it means you need to look within yourself to see where you are closing down. AND avoid becoming fixated on where you might find these things. They come to you, you have found them more often that you think. Its just that you have also refused more often than you have received.